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wow...

im pretty lame.  i havent done this fuckin thing in forever... leterally.  i was reading previous entries, and, well, yea... lame.  the worst part is that i cant even remember most of the people im talking about.  and that was only like two years ago... fuckin drinking and/or drugs.  whatever.

so on a lighter note... well, as soon as i find one, ill be sure to share it.  theres so much to say, and yet all i can do is draw a blank.  i dont know what to do anymore.  i dont know if its me, or him.  is it bad to want to cut your husbands throat while hes sleeping??   or even awake, for fuck sakes.  he drives me up the fuckin wall.  he stresses me out way too much for the dose im on.  time to up the meds... well, at least if i want to try to make this fuckin marriage work, lol.  i need to start therapy again or something.  i dont know what im waiting for.  maybe for, who knows.  i figure this can work for now.  i just need to get it out.  i cant even be in the same room as him.  i havent eaten in days.  i dont sleep.  i start fights.  i cry, more than usual, for no reason.  i want to shove a blunt object into my eye.  i want to go home.  thank god for my NJ home.  if i stayed here full time there would totally be a death, be it mine or his.  thank god for prozac, pain killers, and jack daniels... actually, pain killers, jack daniels, and prozac, in that order.  and my puppy head... if it werent for her, im sure this problem would have been solved a long time ago.  unfortunately, i couldnt stand the thought of her being "raised" by joe.  she'd be dead or lost within the week.  im surprised the other "kids" have made it this long living here.  they dont have much of  a chance when im in NJ.  fuck.  i want to vomit.  if he looks at me one more fuckin time IM GOING TO FUCKIN PUNCH HIM!!  STOP STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  what is so goddamn interesting.  FUCK!!

i really shouldnt be doing this now.  im angry, im annoyed, im hostel, im scattered, im tired, im anxious, im... things dont make sense.

YOU FUCKING LIE TO MY FACE!!  i wish you wouldnt come home one night.  
if i hate everything about you, why DO i love you... <~~~new wedding song *smile*

i need to get the fuck out of here... pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Jul. 12th, 2005

can you ever really be happy?? i have a job that i love. its pretty much exactly what i wanted. well, that was at least until i found and ad for the EXACT job i wanted. now what do i do?? i mean, this place is great. i love the horses, the people, everything. but, its not really the "environment" i wanted. it has a few more horses then id have liked... also the wrong discipline. im at a big hunter/jumper barn with 22 horses, about 4 other workers, and the barn goes to shows every week. they provide housing and benefits are a possibility. all of which is fine and dandy. but what i wanted, was a small dressage barn, with no more than 10 horses, riding lessons each week, benefits, housing, and to be the only worker... and ill be dammed, i found it... and even better... only 7 horses. now what the fuck do i do...

eyes wide shut..

why am i on the outside of the circle, looking in?? the fucking outcast. what is it that everyone else can see that i cant?? or maybe i do see it. maybe im in denial. i dont know. maybe im in love. maybe i dont know what love is. im broke. so far down that i cant get back up again. no matter how hard i try. shut behind a door. a locked door. no one has the key. i do. but i dont use it. and i dont know why. i feel that if i go through the door and shut it behind me, ill die. like theres nothing out there for me, but whats behind the door. i need to stay. like an addiction. maybe an obsession. im weak. crushed. ... why the fuck cant i go... thats all i want...

Jul. 8th, 2005

i dont care.

just when you think youre ok...

BAM!!! ...straight up the ass with a cow on a stick rotated ever so slightly to the left that was !%$@# by a rock located on the bottom of a fuckin goddammit!!!

...

why is it that when youre "ok" and starting to get a better "handle" on things, that some stupid son of a fuckin bitch as to come a long and FUCK everything up AGAIN!!! yeah, so you know who im talking about. i get an email yesterday about how sorry he was. and he didnt mean anything he said to me. that he screwed things up and wants to start over. ...heh.

ho hum...

life is so unreal sometimes. too good to be true. too horrible to be true. whatever. its amazing how quickly things can change. how people can. how people can be. how they can lie, BASTARD!! im not going into detail on this, because whoever needs to read this, already knows the story. i still love him, and i hate myself for that. regardless of everything that he did, and went on, i cant stop loving him. i mean, i hate the fucker, and have every desire possible to run him over with my car, but love... ehh. and its a shame, because it could have been perfect, and would have been, except for one little problem... HIM. ahh, well... thats ok. i cant be with him anymore, and have no desire what so ever to. but i dont know if ill ever stop loving him... at least some part of me. you know what they say, you never stop loving your first love. im seeing for myself that it is unfortunately true. i just wish i could get the happy moments we had out of my head. whoever said that should be drug out to the middle of the road and shot, along with the first love... *smile*

im making an attempt to be friends with michael and hes surprisingly going along with it. he doesnt hate me, for some reason. even though he has every right to. i think he still loves me actually. we're going to give the whole "friend" thing a try, so, we'll see how that goes...

i got to see mah baggily boo today. it was great. shes the bestest to talk to. id even marry her... not cause i like her a lot, but I LOVE HER!!! lol...

im currently taking applications for the boyfriend position. guitar players, and/or any instruments, huge plus, *wink, wink*...any takers?? lol. apply within... ;)

U2 is rather annoying...

bah. so michael is talking to me again. of course hes blaming himself for everything. i wish he would stop doing that. it was like that our entire relationship, and its so fuckin annoying. i can do no wrong, NO MATTER WHAT. he wants to talk all the time, but keeps bringing up old shit. that we've talked about, OVER and OVER. theres nothing left to say. i cant get that into his head. its like trying to mend a broken leg with tylenol. ashdfashdf. god, i wish he would just hate me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! WHY CANT YOU HATE ME...

ehh... on a lighter note...

=)

im happy.

i have all the warm happy fuzzies inside. theyre so neat. its been a while since the last time i actually got "butterflies" over someone. just the mention of their name can bring a smile to my face. im a dork, i know, lol.

wow... holy case of the manic d's, batman, lol.

bah...

ever just get in one of those moods?? ya know, where youre just blah. i know of a baggily bum that knows this feeling rather well. things are going "well". still tons of drama at work. i feel that i function better when theres more. odd. as am i. boy situations are, well, dramatic as well. michael. i really do feel badly about what ive done to him. to have your heart ripped out and handed to you... must be rough. god, im such an asshole. i dont regret anything though. it just wasnt working, well, for me at least. hes not talking to me as much anymore. not that i blame him. i cant stand hurting him so much. he doesnt deserve this, what so ever.

...andrew. *smile* ...hes awesome. theres so many feelings there that where never there with michael. at least not in a mutual sense. im happy. and yet so numb...

im getting extra fat too. ugh. i was doing so well, until that fuckin x-mas bullshit. why does everyone have to bake cookies and give lots of yummy yummy chocolate. i dont even really care for chocolate all that much. youd never know from the amount i have consumed in the past month. yea, so, back to no eating again.

why do i have to be so insecure...??

...andrew. *smile*

wow...

so... where to start. lets see... so i moved, well, "moved" to long island. i took a working student position which then turned into an asst. manager position. its, well, quite interesting. STRESSFUL. but, thats the horse life. i know this well... but what i didnt know, is how much my life would change and who would cross my path...

as you know, well, some of you, before i came here i was engaged to this great guy. hes so sweet and caring, spoils the hell out of me, would do anything, and i mean anything in the world for me. hes such an amazing person. right?? but i dont want to be with him. things were really really awesome the first year, then i dont know. everything he did started to get on my nerves. it started out to be little things and then they just got bigger and bigger. i started to distance myself from him more and more. coming to LI was my escape. i wanted this so bad. just to be away from him for a while. i figured that would make me realize what i was missing, and hopefully bring us closer together, but, boy was i wrong. if anything it pushed us farther apart. and then i met andrew.

wow... andrew. theres just something about him. im drawn to him. just seeing him or hearing his name gives me butterflies. god, its been a long time since i felt that way. no matter whats going on, or how bad things are, just seeing him makes me forget about everything. he can always get me to smile. mike should be the one im talking about here, not andrew. but i dont feel this way towards him. and just that fact that i could even think about another guy has to say something. i think it was at this point i realized i really didnt want to be with mike anymore. it seems whenever im home or around mike, all i can think about is andrew. actually, i think about him all the time. god, this sucks. well, not really... i kinda like it. its been soooo long since ive felt any of these feelings... and i like it.

as apon request...

i finally got around to weeding through my buddy list...yay. i went from 50 to 29...sorry anyone i deleted by mistake, lol. hmm...well, i was going to journalize, but now i dont really feel like it. i think im going to go to bed actually...yup.

oh, and baggily boo?? how do you make the backgroud move and shit...since ill be journaling more often now, (*wink, wink*), id like it to look pretty ;)