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wow...

im pretty lame.  i havent done this fuckin thing in forever... leterally.  i was reading previous entries, and, well, yea... lame.  the worst part is that i cant even remember most of the people im talking about.  and that was only like two years ago... fuckin drinking and/or drugs.  whatever.

so on a lighter note... well, as soon as i find one, ill be sure to share it.  theres so much to say, and yet all i can do is draw a blank.  i dont know what to do anymore.  i dont know if its me, or him.  is it bad to want to cut your husbands throat while hes sleeping??   or even awake, for fuck sakes.  he drives me up the fuckin wall.  he stresses me out way too much for the dose im on.  time to up the meds... well, at least if i want to try to make this fuckin marriage work, lol.  i need to start therapy again or something.  i dont know what im waiting for.  maybe for, who knows.  i figure this can work for now.  i just need to get it out.  i cant even be in the same room as him.  i havent eaten in days.  i dont sleep.  i start fights.  i cry, more than usual, for no reason.  i want to shove a blunt object into my eye.  i want to go home.  thank god for my NJ home.  if i stayed here full time there would totally be a death, be it mine or his.  thank god for prozac, pain killers, and jack daniels... actually, pain killers, jack daniels, and prozac, in that order.  and my puppy head... if it werent for her, im sure this problem would have been solved a long time ago.  unfortunately, i couldnt stand the thought of her being "raised" by joe.  she'd be dead or lost within the week.  im surprised the other "kids" have made it this long living here.  they dont have much of  a chance when im in NJ.  fuck.  i want to vomit.  if he looks at me one more fuckin time IM GOING TO FUCKIN PUNCH HIM!!  STOP STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  what is so goddamn interesting.  FUCK!!

i really shouldnt be doing this now.  im angry, im annoyed, im hostel, im scattered, im tired, im anxious, im... things dont make sense.

YOU FUCKING LIE TO MY FACE!!  i wish you wouldnt come home one night.  
if i hate everything about you, why DO i love you... <~~~new wedding song *smile*

i need to get the fuck out of here... pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
cailin_t
Jan. 27th, 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
i'm glad you're realizing marriage is as wonderful as i've always told you it was. we'll pick up our divorce papers together, it'll be good times. :) hee hee hee.

hang in there. but yeah, " if he looks at me one more fuckin time IM GOING TO FUCKIN PUNCH HIM!! STOP STARING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" i totally called him out on that during dinner on the cruise, remember? haha, idiot. it's so annoying!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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