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...oi.

i have many new *cough* "additions" to my life...hmm...where to start...

first off, this ones acutally kinda funny, but anyway, a few weeks ago when i was on the computer, i get this im from this guy, so, of course, i look at his profile and he has this pic of him in it. i kept thinking to myself, goddamn, he looks so fuckin familiar. so, we talked for a while and when the question of "where you from" came up and he answered with the town thats next to mine, it all came together...i went to school with the bastard. he was a year ahead of me and one of those "jock dicks", so i wasnt too "friendly" towards him. i never really had a problem with him personally in school...i just didnt really care too much for the way he treated some of the people i hung out with. so we talked for a while, and he said he remembered me and he changed, blah, blah blah...he even came right out and said what a dick he was in high school, lol. now he all wants to hang out and shit...ugh. ..."jock dick" or not, hes still a little hottie, lol...

i also met this other guy...soooo adorable, lol. he also has seemed to take a particular "liking" to me (as i did him, but shhh, lol). hes pretty cool people, or at least seems to be so far...im just waiting for the "turning point."

then theres this other guy i met a few months ago and was so in love with, lol...well, not really, but he was awesome...as im sure his fuckin girlfriend thought so also. come to find out, theyve been broken up for little over a month...*score*...go me, lol. its better off this way anyway, his bitch was screwing around with anyone and anything, but he seemed to be the only one that didnt believe it...shitbrick. well, now that youve come to your senses, im here, ready for you, lolol...;)

i think thats about all on the boy side. they always come in groups of three. guess thats my lucky number...or is it??

oh, no, i lied...theres one more, lol. forgot about him. well, you see...my neighbor...yeah. we grew up together. he used to live next door with his gradparents (who have lived there pretty much my whole life). we have the same birthday, but hes a year younger. now we havent seen each other in a good five years, at least, and last i heard he was living in his own appartment and working. ive been seeing him at his grandparents a lot lately. come to find out, he apparently got into some sort of car accident, lost his license, job, and appartment, so now hes staying over there for a while. and i swear, every time i get home, he just "happens" to be outside. ill pull in the driveway and he'll all of the sudden come outside. or when im leaving...there he is. the other day i was over there with a friend looking at a car his grandfather was selling, and as soon as we got into the driveway, he came running out and was literally, like right up my ass, lol. what the fuck...i mean i know im hot, but come on, lol. i always seem to attract the losers...ehh...what the hell, lol...

speaking of losers...my ex has more or less poured out how much he misses me and wants to get back together and shit. i wont even give him the time of day. he had his chance and fucked up. and hes never gonna find anyone thatll treat him like i did...hes going down, lol...so in as few words as possible...fuck you, ya goddamn cock waffle...im done with you.

well, now im SURE thats all the boys...for now...well, wait, there was this one...j/k...anyway...

everything seems to be going pretty well. work is awesome. i love it and my boss is really cool. im gonna hang around for a while...definately. =)

im doing a lot better on my guitar. ive actually written my own song. its not much, but its actually pretty cool. well, to me at least, lol. im pretty damn proud of myself too.

..."i can play the guitar like a motha fuckin riot..."
well, maybe...almost...i dunno...ehh...LOVE YA BRADLEY!!!

going to see jimmy eat world...yayay...cant wait!!!

and i guess that just about sums it up for now...ill be back in a few months for another novel/update of life...peace...

err...

hmm...where to start. well, as for the appartment, we have decided not to take it. apparently, the fire house is our backyard. thankfully, the one time we were there, the fire whistle happened to go off. its was horrible...i was like, no...im no living here. i have enough trouble falling asleep WITHOUT that goddamn shit going off at all hours of the night. and plus, i dont want to be around any of these three surrounding towns anymore. we're looking for something a little further.

im finally working a "normal" job schedule, if you could call it that. before, i had a full time job and then a part time one in addition, and let me tell you, did that suck ass. i get up, go to work, come home, go to work, go out for a little bit, then have to get up for work like 2 mins later...UGH!!! so, i decided to leave the one job, and im now working full time at the other, and its great. i still pull bout 50 hours a week, but i have my nights and weekends free, so its all good. and im making more money there anyway, so crap that other shit.

i called james on friday to wish him a happy birthday, but i got his voice mail, so i left a message...and he called back. we've been talking and sending text messages between our cell phones ever since. im glad hes been calling me...i really missed him. =)

for some odd reason, my ex has decided to talk to me. i saw one of our mutual friends at the bar last week and of course she said something to him...and supposedly, that made him start to "think" or whatnot, and he started e-mailing me last week. then he started im-ing me the other day. he kept going on about how sorry he was and how not a day goes by that he doesnt think about me at least once and how much he misses me, blah, blah, blah...and i was a total dick to him. he really hurt me and i made sure he realized that. he even sent one of those online cards saying he screwed up and hes sorry...its really weird talking to him. and im really pissed because i had totally forgotten about him. i had him and everything that had to do with him out of my life...and just like that, its all back. goddammit!!!

i also noticed that he didnt sound like himself. he was being very sincere and open about his feelings...which he NEVER has before. he always kept things in. maybe he has changed...L-O-fuckin-L...hes a guy. as much as i want to believe him, i dont know if i can. i cant go through this shit again...especially with him. but if he did change, it just might work out...who knows. hes so familiar...

i think miss him...

hmm...

...so much has happened. hmm...where to start. well, im finally back with my horsies again...well, have been for almost three months now, and its great. still a photo chica though...ugh...well, its not all that bad...;)

made some large purchaces that ive been putting off for months now. got a new guitar little over a month ago. its gorgeous...i love it!!! its all pretty and black and good and aww...

oh, and i finally got my cell phone...go me!

have been spending time in bars...its quite interesting...and i have grown quite found of the whole "scene."

met whole bunches of new peeps and made mad new friends. i love being around people my own age...or somewhat close to.

two of those peeps where certain boys that i have grown to like...to a point, lol. actaully, there where a few, but two stuck out more than the others. the first one was really cool, and of course a little cutie. has a good job, car...the works, lol. he even invited us up to his house to chill for a while. it was cool...but he died or something. he hardly ever comes out cause he has to get up early for work. so i only get to see him every so often. and im on the verge of digitizing...hehe.

the second one is usually there just about every weekend. i noticed him a few times...i have a weakness for the cuties, lol. but anyway, just this last weekend, he came up to me and started talking to me. we talked for a while and he of course bought me a few drinks, and he even came with us to go chill at a freinds house. but he kinda freaked me out. he was a little too forward, i guess you could say. he was already like holding my hand at the bar, and while we were at my firends, he tried kissing me and i was like, whoa there buddy...lol. i dont know. it just kinda freaked me out more or less that he was so into me. he all wanted my number, but i conviently left before revealing it...im kinda hesitant about going out this weekend...god knows whatll happen. ehh, thats ok...i can always give him the whole "i was drunk" deal...which is true...to a certain degree.

im finally moving...yayayaay!!! july 1st is the big day. this appartment is perfect. its two bedrooms, huge living room and kitchen, bathroom. its awesome, oh, and conviently located above a bar. how perfect is that?? i cant wait to be done with this town and all the evil that resides in it...muhwahahaha...sorry...that seemed to fit there, lol.

ohh, and my boss at the barn is trying to hook me up with the slammin farrier boy...mmmmm...yeah!!

and i guess thats about all. i need to be getting some sleepage anywho. talk to you later...
possibly...peace out...

its been a while...

...certainly has. and it shall be a little longer, cause i dont really feel like "journaling" anymore(i pretty much just wanted to see if my journal was still in existance and, oh, oh...itz be, itz be...yay!) ...loooooooooooooooooots has happened. ill tell later...maybe... ;)

hehehe...

oh, i had the best time tonight. i wont be too specific about it being how its like 5 am and im tired as fuck...but heres the skinny...
went to a bar...actually got served...go me! met a mad cool guy...he sounds like eddie vedder when he sings...awesome voice. had lots and lots of "eye sex"...scored "eddie vedder sound-a-likes" number and we made plans to meet again saturday night...heheheheheheh =)

a few new things...

"OPERATION J" is now aborted. he doesnt even deserve an "operation", for he has officaially pissed me off to the maximun level of pissedivity. UHG! as far as the whole "change of my password"...bullshit. i, for some strange reason, decided to im his screen name the other night when i saw it on...what a bad idea that was, lol...

ME: ...i dont know why i even bother, but...james??
"J": but what
ME: but nothing...i was asking if this was "james" or not...
"J": no this is not james
ME: knew that one was comin...sorry...bye
"J": no problem

...hmm. by the looks of it, i believe someone has indeed LIED to me, thank you...asshole.

OPERATION "DOWN WITH THE HOE:"
...after months of waiting, "today" is supposed to be the big day. this dumb bitch at my job was supposed to be fired like two months ago and i was promised her hours...well...shes still there...even though shes the biggest bitch and fuck up one could ever meet. guess those are the "qualities" you need to keep a job...hmm. and even after all the bitching and complaining and the threats...shes still there. what will it take for her to leave?? DIE SHERRY DIE!!! ;)

how bout some good news now...ok...i met this boy...hehe. hes so awesome and funny and cute and awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. hes my friends cousin and hes staying with her for like a month or so. hes like 6'1''ish, kinda built, but still skinny, brownish hair, hazel eyes, kinda skatery and is just flat out adorable. hes so funny and great to talk to. and hes actually a nice guy...in general. he doesnt have that whole "im a dick" attitude, unless he hides it, which hes doing quite well i must say. oh, and the best part...hes in a band. *sigh* how i love that. he plays the guitar and is the lead singer. he also can play the drums, bass, and piano. that is sooooooo fuckin cool. i have such a weakness for boys in bands. specially the ones that play guitar and sing...oh oh oh...=)

ive been at my friends for the past few nights, just chillin with him till like 2-230am. we talked about so much shit and we have a lot in common. i have such a blast when im around him. oh, and btw...his band is opening for slipnot sometime this month...jealous?? oh, oh, lol. awe...hes so cool and so my type...i want one...awe, awe, awe. hes so, i dont know...perfect.

SCOOBY DOOBY DOO...WHERE ARE YOU??

...cha. thats what id like to know...bastard. i had the perfect pic of him that i intended on getting "inked up" on me, but it has mysteriously disappeared...hrm. whats that...maybe its a sign you say?? well, FUCK YOU...WHO ASKED YOU ANYWAY...SCOOBYS MY BITCH, NOW BACK THE FUCK UP OFF MY SHIT, YO! ohh, my...sorries, lol. im just slightly erked, i guess. this is so not cool. i loved that pic...*sigh*. well, if anyone out there happens to have any scooby pics, please, feel free to throw some my way...

=( <~~~me

howd i know...

well, first off, i thought i was going to die tonight. i dont know what the hell was wrong with me, but i felt like such shit. i felt so sick to my stomach and thought that maybe it was hunger pains...EHH, wrong answer...the sight of food made me feel even worse. my vision was so blurry and i felt so weak. walking down the stairs was a mission and a half. i was under the covers in bed and got these horrilbe chills, but was sweating at the same time. i dont know what the fuck it was. im feeling a little bit better now, but still have some yuckyness goin on.

since i was sure i was about to die, i decided to give james a call. i needed someone to talk to. so i called his cell at like 1am-ish, maybe a little after, and of course, he didnt answer, so i left a message saying it was me, returning his call and to call me when he got my message. well, stupid me, i should know by now that apparently, his phone only functions between the hours of 3-5am...what was i thinking calling at 1 and expecting to actually talk to him, lol. anywho...so he called me back at like 3:30, almost, and sounded kinda strange. maybe it was because i havent really talked to him for a while now and was on a cell phone, i dont know. but he appologized...as i predicted. that was pretty much the entire conversation. him saying how sorry he was and how he "beat up" his friends when he found out the little "joke" they were playing. and he was all like, you know i could never talk to you like that. "youre my baby...i love you so much." he said that he changed his password and that hes the only one that knows it now. and he continued appologizing. i just said "ok." ...ok, not as in "ok, i forgive you", but as in, "ok, sure...whatever." then hes like, call me tomorrow and we'll talk then, ok?? so i just said ok. i havent really decided if im going to call him tomorrow or not. and why is he still saying he loves me...uh...YOU HAVE A GF DO YOU NOT?? well, at least last i heard...even so, i miss hearing him say that.

...theres something about him, i just cant let go. even after all the shit. i dont know. its like my brains saying what a shit hes being and to just tell him to fuck off, but then theres another part of me that wont let that happen.

it seems that when we actually are talking, all we do is fight, but when we're in our "not talking" modes, hes always on my mind...reguardless. even if im with someone else. when i was with my last bf, i wrote james this huge letter about how i still cared about him and knew that he felt the same. its strange...its like, no matter the situation, the outcome is always the same...james. all the time...for like almost three years now. thats gotta mean something, right?? its like theres something telling me not to give up on him. i think if i do, id be missing out on something...which is probably why the fuck is still in my life...errr...lol...ahhh, you know i still love you, ya shitbrick, lol. and i know i do too...thats the thing. i must...to put up with all this. who knows...maybe one day, itll be "our day." its just not time yet. wow...am i delusional?? lol. what am i saying?? love sucks!!! love is evil!!! fuck!!! WHAT THE MONKEY?? CRAP THIS!!! lol...??

...if two people really love each other... after all the shit, how do you know when enough is enough??

never.

...blah...

im so bored...but i dont feel like doing anything. damn my lazyness...anywho...

ive pretty much finished this cd that ive been "burning" for a good month almost now, bout time, lol. few more songs still to find, so i figured id enlighten you all with my nothingnesses to talk about while doing so...hmm, lucky you...

i found a new music source. morpheous has been sucking hectic amounts of sweaty monkey nuts lately. its more or less impossible to connect anymore. i got an e-mail the other day from them informing me of this so called "new and better" (lol) version of morphy, so i decided to give it a try, well, lemme tell you...UGH! its horrbile. worse then the first version. no, sir, i did not like it. not very highly recommended, says i...i asked around and came across "winmx" or something, and d/l-ed that one, and let me tell you, its awesome. its really easy to use and you get literally like a million and ten results. oh, and its lots of pretty colors...highly recommended. it puts morpheous to shame...

i finally got around to "weeding" out my goddamn buddy list. i went from 76 to 27, and on one other list from 3 to 2...im so proud...arent you??

my friend wanted me to go with him to get his tattoo today. i havent seen him in a while, but i dont feel like going anywhere. i dont know, maybe ill change my mind later...

UPDATE ON "OPERATION J": (lol)
while i was away on my "vacation", james decided to give me a call...yeah. yeah, well, the last time we talked, we got into this huge fight because his "friends" supposedly like to use his sn on aol and fuck with me. i dont buy it anymore, i know the deal now, lol. well, the last time "they" did this, "james" imed me a few days later appologizing for his "stupid friends", i believe he called them. oh, yeah, and im so sure...how the fuck am i supposed to know that wasnt "them" fuckin around again, so i totally blew him off and the conversation resulted him throwin the good 'ol "just dont talk to me anymore, ok" with my reply of "gladly." fuck him. i dont know why he does this shit. he says he dosent want to talk to me anymore, but then like a fuckin week later, he has the audacity to call me??...fuck that.

he apparently called a good three times, once leaving a message asking to please call him back. the last time he called was at about 5am-ish friday morning. i obviously wasnt here...darn. i dont know what to do. i didnt call him back, and im not too sure if i ever intend to. im so tired of this. i dont get him. i dont know why he keeps doing this shit. maybe i put up with it cause i know he keeps coming back. this has got to be like the 312th mutual "dont talk to me anymore"...and here we are...a good three years of this shit, and we still talk, more or less. and it always ends with him appologizing...well, good...suffer... der...UGH!!! lol. im not even that mad anymore...i think im just so used to it. it gives me a good laugh, which isnt so bad every now and then, lol.

oi...well, i guess thats about it. im gonna start the burnage of my cd and go get in the shower. maybe thatll be some "motivation" for me...now only if i knew what that word meant...ah well...
...catch you all on the flip side...

im finally home...yay??

after all the shit thats been going on, i needed to get away. a friend of mine was going to south carolina and asked if i wanted to go along, so i went home, packed, and off we went...

but before we left i went to see the snowcore rock tour, which featured adema, alien ant farm, apex theory, glassjaw, and ear shot. it was unbelievable. i had a blast...considering we were drunk before we got in the front doors, but thats ok, lol. we had awesome "seats"...yeah, it pays to sneak up into the "vip" area, but shh...oh, and im very proud to announce that i successfully stole a k-rock banner off the wall... BOOKER...YOURE THE SHIT...HELL YEAH MOTHA FUCKA!!! K-ROCK RULES!!!

anyway...so after the concert, we set off for our hellish ten hour car ride...ugh. it was pure torture, but totally worth it. it was so great to get the fuck away form here. even though we didnt really too do much, but i did get my belly button pierced...again. but professionally this time, lol. all in all, it was great. by the end of the week, i was ready to come home though. i really missed my bed, and my puppies. oh, and water pressure...it blows down there...oh, and K-ROCK!!! if it werent for those few things, i dont think id of even bothered coming back...theres nothing here for me...anymore...